Inspired writing: Looking back on a draft

Key aspects:

Coming out

Relationship dynamic with my dad

My dad’s homophobic tendencies

The human rights campaign projects

Harvey Milk

My aunt Linda and her role in my internal homophobia

Coming out is like a road. There is not necessarily an ending destination. It is a process that twists and turns has dead ends. Coming out is a journey that does not have a certain end.

The human rights campaign is like a road. There are many facets to it many offshoots.  Dirt roads that still need to be paved progress that has not yet been made.  There are prejudices within society that our roadblocks and detours to the human rights campaign.  HRC is like a road it needs to be adapted to the challenges it faces potholes of ignorance need to be failed.

Etymology of homophobia

I was unable to access the Oxford English dictionary for the purpose of discovering the etymology of the term. So instead I simply Googled etymology of homophobia.  The term homophobia was attributed to being coined by clinical psychologist George Weinberg   in 1971. Breaking down the term homophobia into its two parts, homo meaning same, and phobia meaning fear or aversion to. Of course, in today’s society when we say homophobia, it does not mean fear of the same as literally translated. In today’s common usage to be homophobic is to have an irrational fear of or discriminate against homosexuals.

Source: http://www.spiritus-temporis.com/homophobia/etymology.html

Internal homophobia is like a cage except you have the key in your possession and instead of setting yourself free, you swallow it. Society puts you in the cage and then for equally irrational reasons, you stay there of your own will. Internal homophobia is like a cage; it traps you and makes you feel constricted. You cannot be your true self, because you end up hating yourself for who you are.

Internal homophobia is not like a cage, it is not a physical place in which you are physically trapped, it is a psychological trap. Internal homophobia is self-imposed as a result of expectations from society. Internal homophobia is a mental hurdle, which blocks someone from self-acceptance.

Reading Response: gay rights scholarly article

Title: "Public Opinion About Lesbians and Gay Men" by Gregory M. Herek
Published in 2002

     I decided to investigate this article because someone had mentioned the difference in public perception between lesbians and gay men during the hour in class brainstorm. There were parts of this article and its findings which surprised me, while other findings struck me as sadly typical reactions towards homosexuality within society.

     The article mentions that at one time atheists and communists were deemed as a higher threat to society than gay people. The article cites the 1970's as a time when gay rights first became a mainstream cultural issue. The article refers to several different types of surveys and studies being conducted to gauge the level of homophobia or acceptance within society, specific to the role that gender plays in differing responses. The article reports that the surveys done focused on a response to human rights for gay people whereas the studies which are more scientific focused more on behavior responses viewing gay men and lesbians both as separate entities and individuals.

     The main focus of the article was the differences between heterosexual men and women in their perceptions and reactions to homosexuality. The article suggest that some of the discomfort towards homosexuality came from society's expectations of gender norms and gender conformity. This plays off the stereotypes of the feminine gay men and masculine lesbians.

     The author suggests that "attitudes toward homosexuality may reflect an individuals attitude towards his or her own sexuality" (pg. 43). This suggests that discrimination and fear among heterosexual individuals towards gay individuals is in part due to their own experience of homosexual desire or homosexual experience. (Have these people not heard of the Kinsey scale?) Some people also feel threatened because experiencing such desire goes against how they have framed themselves within their own mind interfering with their self-concept.

     I was surprised to find out that gay men are portrayed as pedophiles (pg. 46). How dumb can people get?! That's one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard...weird!

     It is interesting to note that under the category of "civil rights attitudes" people were more willing to accept the idea of civil rights for gay people in the "abstract" sense, yet they were unwilling to support it if it involved putting laws in place to protect such rights.

     In studies where information about lesbians was presented (first to a heterosexual male), they were less likely to have a negative reaction than if information about gay men was presented first.  If the latter was presented first, then the heterosexual male presented a negative attitude towards both homosexual groups.

     The article concluded (in a rather redundant manner) that female heterosexuals were more likely to hold a positive view of homosexual individuals. The studies indicated that there is a greater amount of discomfort for heterosexuals around someone of the same gender who is gay. This finding was stronger when considering heterosexual males. The largest gender gap identified by the article was that heterosexual males have a negative reaction towards gay men, where women are less likely to.

Inspired Writing - Personal Experience, Exposition, Investigation

Personal Experience:

A moment in childhood

In the Fall of 1999 at the age of 12, I remember talking to my dad about the upcoming visit of aunt Linda and her partner Karen. I always referred to Karen as "adopted aunt Karen." I remember my dad saying that the relationship between Linda and Karen was just not right. When I asked him why, he said "because it's not the way God intended." This conversation has stayed with me to this day. I understood the idea of pairing for the purposes of procreation, but what about the heterosexual couples who choose not to have children? Does that not make their union wrong also?

Easter weekend 2010

I had considered waiting. Not telling him. Letting circumstances that hod not yet come to bear do the talking for me. Like once I had a girlfriend. This would force my father's knowledge of my sexuality. However, I could not wait for that day some point in the future. It felt all too secretive. I have to confess with no tangible evidence. My dad was standing at the grill in the backyard. I took a deep breath and walked out onto the deck to talk to him. I sat on the steps. Occupied with the hamburgers on the grill, his back was towards me. "Dad," I said, "I have something to tell you. I'm gay." After only a moment's pause he said, "okay" and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, or had questions and he said no. My mother and sister had for a long time been aware. I hoped that telling my father would free me from feeling stifled in my own home. His reaction wasn't bad, yet it wasn't the reaction I had oped for either. I received no sentiment to suggest he loved me as I am, no matter what, Yet that is in fact what I wanted to hear. His reaction was much more matter of fact. To me, it almost felt like a non-reaction. He acted as if I had told him I wanted cheese on my hamburger. My family ate dinner that night in relative silence. I did not breathe a sigh of relief I was hoping for.

Exposition

Consider internalized homophobia. It is of course counter intuitive to self acceptance. It is due in part to a desire to fit in and be accepted by a predominately heterosexual society. I would like to say that I have always been confident in each aspect of my identity but awareness does not equal confidence and to be insecure is to be human. For me, there was a certain amount of self-denial that overrode any hint of self-awareness peeking through. I have always felt that in every group to which I belong I exist on the fringes. Having a disability meant overcoming taboos and preconceived notions there were times when I did not want to face my sexuality because I did not want to face the idea of being part of another minority because that would mean having to face another set of preconceived notion and taboos.

Investigation

Brainstorm terms

Hetero normative
Queer theory
Internal homophobia
LGBTQ
Camp and kitch
Human Rights Campaign

Inspired Writing: Outside the Box!

The Human Rights Campaign and my story:

• The Human Rights Campaign is pursuing equal rights for LGBTQ individuals.
• The Human Rights Campaign goes beyond politics because while same sex marriage has become a hot button issue in politics, the HRC's main goal is equal rights that apply to many areas of life and not just marriage.
• I do not want my essay to become overly political; to a certain extent, politics cannot be ignored but they are not at the core of what I want to write about.
• Note the recent suicides of gay teens
• I may tell my own coming out story (nothing particularly dramatic there)
• Andrew Shirvell, assistant attorney general, has infamously created a blog essentially cyber bullying Michigan State student body President Christopher Armstrong. Shirvell is attacking Armstrong simply because of his sexual preference.
• Note the homophobic rhetoric and it's alarming prevalence for this age
• If LGBT individuals are granted equal rights, heterosexuals lose nothing yet some right wing politicians portray such equal rights as a threat to their own rights

People who neglect to live life to the fullest:
(I am beginning to think that this topic is far too subjective to be successful, but here we go!)

• Addressing the apathy of our society
• Convincing people to not take life for granted
• Realizing that tomorrow is not a guarantee
• Going out and doing something (legal) that you have always wanted to do
• Not taking individuals for granted
• I realize that the idea of living life to the fullest means different things to different people
• However, most people go about life assuming that there will always be another tomorrow and do not realize how much they whom or what they have until it is gone
• I came up with the idea for this topic stemming from my desire to live life to the fullest after the death of my brilliant twenty five year old cousin from a congenital heart defect. One of the things I promised myself was that I would go skydiving (I am planning to this May after graduation).
• What's on your to do list, of all to do lists?
• Most often, do people have their priorities straight? Doubtful....
• To me life is about recognizing what is precious in our daily lives
• Life is about balancing responsibilities with pleasure
• Life is about going for it when people say you can't succeed
• Do we not learn as much from our successes as we do from our failures?

Dear fellow bloggers,
     Please let me know what you think about this category, because honestly, its beginning to feel way too existential, as if its headed towards the direction of quantum physics, which in terms of my essay, would be the point of no return.

Sincerely,
H.D.

Letter Writing: the loss of the personal in favor of the technological:

• Letter writing is a lost art
• More familiar to our grandparents
• Exceedingly rare among this generation
• Nearly extinct by the advent of e-mail and texting
• In defence of letter writing, e-mail and texting are more susceptible to miscommunication than that of a letter
• Writing a letter, particularly hand written, requires more thought than e-mail, etc.
• When is the last time you wrote or received a hand-written letter?
• No, birthday cards don't count
• What is happening to thoughtful human connection?

Reflections on "An Orgy of Power" by George Gessert

     Gessert begins his essay admitting that he is not an authority on torture. However, his extensive research on torture and the undeniable gruesome evidence he provides lends strength to his voice in this essay.  Regardless of one's political leanings, the evidence of torture in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan along with the evidence that the Bush administration knew about it and condoned it, is overwhelming. The administration downplayed the evidence of torture, trying their best to soften it bay calling it "abuse." Gessert points out "we do not ordinarily call homicide abuse." (Pg. 312) There is no denying the torture memo of August 1, 2002.

     Due to the compelling argument of the author, I found it difficult to read this essay. Though he may at first seem biased against the Bush administration, the evidence of torture that he cites is so massive that the pointing of fingers no longer seems political. To me, the fact that the administration knew about these horrific atrocities leads me to believe that someone should be brought up on war crimes. I am not certain who, but there are people out there that should be held responsible. When does it become acceptable to negate the Geneva Convention simply because the prisoners of war are viewed as our enemy? When tortured, they become victims. Seemingly no one stood up for our human decency. Especially when prisoners were tortured in the name of "stress relief." Acts of this kind should have been prevented. Has anyone heard of a psychologist? There are other ways to work out aggression and anger and stress!

     Gessert points out that humans are the only living creature to implement torture: "Lions and hyenas kill swiftly. House cats play with their victims, but only to practice pouncing, not to cause pain." (Pg. 310) He wanted to believe that torture was done by a few people and not swept under the rug by the American government, but ultimately concludes that, "I realized that I did not know my degrees of separation from the tortured, or from torturers." (Pg 316) Gessert sites expert Jean Amery's opinion of torture within the human psyche, "the source of torture is our own innate drive for unchecked self expansion. If this is true, the possibility of torture will always be within us." (Pg. 320)

     Gessert begins the conclusion of his essay with a summary of his findings as it relates to human behavior: "the overwhelming lesson of history and of daily life is that human beings are capable of beautiful behavior and terrible behavior, individually and collectively." (Pg. 320) Gessert also notes that our government was structured to try and prevent such atrocities from happening and that the more partisan we become, the greater the danger of unchecked power.

Reflections on "The Lesbian Bride's Handbook" by Ariel Levy

     In her essay "The Lesbian Bride's Handbook," Ariel Levy recounts her anxieties about planning her wedding and her feelings about marriage, given the fact that "it didn't describe a legal option"(Pg. 198) for her or her partner Amy. Levy comments on the politics of gay marriage through the personal. Levy humorously observes that the only time all your loved ones are in one place apart from your wedding is your funeral. Throughout the essay she has mixed emotions about the wedding due in large part to the lack of acceptance by society. Her anxiety about this shows through when she writes, "everyone I knew and loved would be joining me for this hell of my own making, this festival of gayness and commitment." (Pg. 198) Levy puts a lot of pressure on herself for everything to be perfect as she plans her party about love; her partner reacts in a different way, "While I obsessed about how lame it was to seek public acceptance, to crave ritual, and grew queasy at the mention of marriage, Amy was excited." (Pg. 200)

     When she stumbles upon the perfect dress, she remarks about how important it is that one's wedding dress be memorable, yet she is able to stop obsessing when she finds what she's looking for; "A dress that would flash before your eyes on your deathbed and in your dreams. I could no longer thing about being cool or being mortified or being heteronormative. I could no longer think." (Pg. 201) Finding the perfect dress for her not only assuages fears and put another piece of the planning puzzle together, it was something she thought Amy's mother would approve of. The approval of Amy's mother is at the very heart of this essay because although it would be nice, she didn't need approval from society. Levy admits caring what other people think just as Amy's mother does. "It was my secret wish that she would look at it and see our lives sparkle instead of shame. It was my secret wish that if my party about love was as flawless as the gowns in that store, it would subsume the humiliation of its own existence...subsume the horror of my homosexuality." (Page 202) Amy's mother begrudgingly comes to tolerate but not quite accept her daughter's homosexuality while Ariel's parents seem more accepting of her sexuality than of the need for anyone to have the wedding. Levy closes the essay by saying, "when conservatives discuss the perils of gay marriage, they fail to mention its most pernicious consequence: Gay marriage, like all marriage is extremely fattening." (Pg. 203) She makes this comic remark about marriages in general, heterosexual, or not, pointing out that marriage consists of the same challenges regardless of the gender pairing.

Reflections on "Lifelike" by Susan Orlean

In her essay "Lifelike" Orlean writes about her experience attending the 2003 taxidermy championships. She enters the subculture as an outsider, observing all of the gadgets and techniques that are the latest and greatest in the world of taxidermy. She refers to taxidermy as "the questionable enterprise of making dead things look like live things." (Pg. 244)

Orlean chronicles the history of taxidermy noting that this particular craft was popularized by the Victorians who seemed to appreciate, "any domestic representation of wilderness." (Pg. 243) She also tracks the history of the subculture of taxidermy evolving from pub meetings in 1882 to a comprehensive convention in 2003. Modern technology allows fellow taxidermists to communicate and exchange information like never before. The blogosphere can be credited with helping with the exchange of information , even allowing for conduction of business and self promotion. "I have a very nice small raccoon that's frozen whole. I forgot he was in the freezer...very cute little one." (Pg. 246) Orlean explains how taxidermists must know quite a bit about zoology, stating that every taxidermist "knows the particular creature literally and figuratively inside and out." (Pg. 245) Orlean notes that taxidermists have a passion for their craft and do love animals, "Taxidermists seem to make little distinction between loving animals that are alive and loving ones that are not." (Pg. 245) As taxidermy techniques have progressed, and become more advanced, the creatures become more lifelike than their earlier lumpy, expressionless counterparts as "the ultimate goal of taxidermists is to make the animal look as if it never had died." (Pg. 247)

There is a camaraderie and competitive nature among the members of the taxidermy convention. They want to hone their craft and put their best work before their peers. It is at this convention that their work will gain the greatest amount of notoriety and appreciation. The taxidermists even goes so far as to recreate an endangered or extinct species such as the panda. It is clear that the taxidermist takes their work very seriously. This is especially evident by the grooming station. Reading about the grooming station reminds me of something one might find at a dog show. Personally I have always been a little creeped out by taxidermy, especially birds. Orlean does not interject her opinion of taxidermy but rather presents the trade show as it comes to her. She takes a subculture that might be considered odd by some and shows the passion behind it. At the conclusion of her essay, Orlean walks through the convention hall taking note of the assorted menagerie before her, now understanding the great deal of skill that it took to instill life in the lifeless, "the stillborn Bengal tiger cub magically revived, its face in an eternal snarl, alive-looking although it never had lived." (Pg. 251)

Inspired Writing - the card catalog part three

Doubting and Defending the card catalog:

     The card catalog as a physical object is outdated and unnecessary. The online catalog is much more efficient and convenient, it does not need constant, laborious update like that of the physical card catalog. The physical card catalog takes up too much space in the library that can be devoted to other things such as books or study space. The physical card catalog is heavy and chunky; its a dust magnet with plenty of drawers to act as convenient gum repositories for teenage patrons. If a card drawer is not completely full, the space behind the cards collects dust bunnies and lint, along with the occasional paper hole punched from a hole punch. Adding new space for new books to be cataloged becomes tedious, especially when a drawer is full and it's at the beginning of the alphabet.

     What can be said in defense of the physical card catalog? The card catalog as a physical object can be quite esthetically pleasing. It is a piece of furniture that can be admired for its simple lines and elegant drawer pulls. The drawers themselves are versatile and can be used for numerous household items for storage or display. For its original purpose, the card catalog kept each bibliographic card in order, where the patron and library staff could find vital information on the library's holdings. It did its job well. The physical card catalog is an important part of the advancement and organization of libraries and it in turn holds partial responsibility for allowing the public availability of literature.

Stereotypes surrounding the library and card catalog:

     The librarian has become stereotyped in popular culture with a bun in her hair and reading glasses hanging from her neck. She wears conservative clothing which reflects her uptight nature. She constantly has her index finger at her pursed lips, expressing her wish for people to "Shush!" The atmosphere in a library is quiet, and collegiate. People are absorbing knowledge, they need to concentrate, no talking please. Most libraries are cold and sterile, no need for the comforts of home because if the patrons get too relaxed, they might fall asleep. Libraries are traditionally conservative. The card catalog is seen as antiquated and outdated.

     The stereotype of the librarian can not be applied to every female librarian. Libraries are becoming more interactive and family oriented institutions. As funding for libraries becomes more popular through tax dollars, the public has more influence on the programming delivered at the local library. The stereotype of the card catalog is for the most part accurate as it has been replaced by the online catalog. Though the stereotype is accurate is harshly unsentimental.

This photo is a flicker find that was posted on the blog called "desire to inspire." This photo caught my eye because it is very unique and artistic. In this photo, the card catalog is being re purposed as an art installation from the strategically placed objects on top of the catalog to the giant wooden arm protruding from one of the drawers and grabbing onto a browsing shelf. If I were the person who put this together, I would call it "Revenge of the Barbie Doll." Because the background is so plain in this photo, the card catalog pops and the intrigue is enhanced by the outreaching arm. One can imagine the rest of the body being chopped up in little pieces and stuffed into the remaining drawers!

Concrete features of the card catalog:

     The card catalog has rounded edges. Card catalogs are heavy and hold an unthinkable number of cards or other objects like slides. It's empty drawers are dark and cavernous. Most card catalogs are honey coloured, yet take on a patina over the years of use. The catalog collects history by recording the occasional nick or ding to it's drawers or browsing shelf. Sometimes the laminate layer of wood on the cabinet becomes separated from the underlying layer revealing another surface. The drawer pulls are hard metal, usually brass or nickel and shaped like elephant noses.

Reflections on "The Stunt Pilot" by Annie Dillard

     Annie Dillard's essay "The Stunt Pilot" chronicles the reputation of Dave Rahm as a stunt pilot and as an intelligent geologist. Rahm was world renowned for his flying skills. It is clear in Dillard's essay that it takes a certain kind of person to be a stunt pilot, enduring negative G's and feeling as though you are being turned inside out. Dillard has a respect for Rahm's ability as a stunt pilot and deems it as an art form within itself, comparing his flights to the art of writing and painting. Dillard recalls her experience flying with Rahm in part as being quite magical, "Through the layer of air between the curving planet and its held, thick clouds." (Pg. 159) At the same time, doing a barrel roll in a single engine Cessna is a very jarring experience and de-romanticizes the role of a stunt pilot to a certain degree for Dillard. Inherent in this line of work is the knowledge of mortal danger every time a pilot enters a plane to perform art in the sky. "'You know your going to die at this some day'...privately he counted on skewing the curve." (Pg. 161) It seems that Rahm knew with a certain degree of acceptance that he would inevitably die by his art. After his death, Dillard recalls Rahm's flying over her house, describing it as:

He unrolled the scroll of air, extended it, bent it into mobius strips: he furled the line a thousand new ways, as if he were inventing a script and writing it in one infinitely recurving utterance until I thought the bounds of beauty must break. (Pg. 163)

     Dillard marveled at the impermanence of Rahm's work as if this fleeting element made his art an even greater treasure, just as Rahm's life itself was fleeting an impermanent. Dillard concludes her essay pondering, "What are we here for?" (Pg. 164) Ending the essay, Dillard quotes Teilhard de Chardin, "The world is filled, and filled with the Absolute. To see this is to be made free." (Pg. 165) By viewing both Rahm's life and profession as a stunt pilot through this lens, it is evident that because he pushed his body and mind to the very edge of their limits, that he was fee. Death in itself is also absolute.

Inspired Writing - the card catalog part two

Literary review - Amazon search results for a library card catalog in books:

1. Simplified Library School Rules; Card Catalog, Accession, Book Numbers, Shelf List, Capitals by Melvil Dewey. Observation: The author seems to be quite the Dewey Decimal nerd based on his other publications listed on Amazon. He is the creator of the Dewey Decimal system which is the system used in libraries to catalog and retrieve books.

2. Access Points to the Law Library Card Catalog Interpretation by Elzabeth Matthews

3. The card catalogs of the Library of Congress: A brief description by Barbara Marietta Westby

Observation: These books in general seem to be pretty obscure, further proving that my subject is a dying breed.

Five interesting facts about the Card Catalog:

1. During the French Revolution playing cards were used instead of index cards in the card catalog.
    http://liswiki.org/wiki/History_of_the_card_catalog

2. Library hand is a code of rules for how to create the perfect, uniform card for the card catalog devised by Melvil Dewey and Thomas Edison.
    http://liswiki.org/wiki/History_of_the_card_catalog

3. Danbury Connecticut's public library held a mock funeral for their retired card catalog.
     http://liswiki.org/wiki/History_of_the_card_catalog

4. In 1982, the editors of American Libraries magazine asked its readers to come up with creative uses for decommissioned card catalogs.
     http://www.libraryhistorybuff.org/cardcatalog.htm

5. Melvil Dewey established the Library Bureau which was "one of the most prolific makers of card catalog cabinets."
     http://www.libraryhistorybuff.org/cardcatalog.htm

Reflections on "Yarn" by Kyoko Mori

     The essay "Yarn" by Kyoko Mori expounds upon an everyday hobby that was firs thrust upon her as a home economics project, with plenty of trial and error. Reflecting on the project, she writes, "Yellow was a color I never liked; perhaps I was conceding defeat before I started." (Pg. 219) In part one of her essay, Mori chronicles her own story of knitting beginning with that home economics project.

     In the second part of the essay, Mori tells the history of knitting dating back to Egypt. This part of the essay is peppered with a myriad of facts that are at the same time disconnected and cohesive, as she weaves them together in her writing. She writes, "Mary, Queen of Scotts, wore two pairs of French stockings-one plain white and the other patterned with gold stitches-on the day of her execution; the stockings were held up with green garters." (Pg. 221) Mori takes the reader through the history of knitting from stockings to sweaters, "they did not become popular as "sweaters" until the 1890's when American athletes wore heavy, dark blue pullovers before and after contests to ward off the chills." (Pg. 221) Mori's descriptions of the history of knitting engage the reader with quirky facts and imagery, keeping the mundane far from boring.

     She starts part three of her essay comparing knitting and knitwear to having a resilience similar to that of people, more plastic and forgiving than other crafts, "As with people, so with garments: the strengths and weaknesses are often one and the same." (Pg. 222) She traces the meaning of the words "thread" and "yarn" concluding that to tell a story by way of weaving  yarn is much more engaging than a thread of fact, "It is infinitely more relaxing to listen to a yarn than to lecture whose thread we must follow." (Pg. 223) In this part of the essay, she also weaves in her own personal story of knitting, marking the metamorphosis of her style of knitting from "casual" to "formal."

     In the fourth and final portion of the essay, Mori notes that the craft of knitting was not always relegated to women. However, it did become a field dominated by women as she recounts a story about Latvian girls who lived prior to the 20th century creating a marriage dowry through the many garments they knitted. At the end of the essay, Mori concedes, "i don't know what to do with the history and the way it affects our daily lives." (Pg. 226) Through her years of knitting, she has learned to be creative and independent with her craft, yet when she attempts to make a pair of mittens for a friend thirty years after her home economics project, she has to go back and teach herself how to do it. This shows Mori coming full circle in her craft, being pleased with even the things she cannot perfect.

Frequency North Reading: Meghan Daum's obsession with finding the perfect home

Prior to the reading, I searched Amazon.com for Daum's memoir Life Would be Perfect If I Lived In That House. It seemed that the customers who did not love HGTV disliked the memoir. Going to the reading, I wanted to form my own opinion. I wanted the Amazon reviewers to be wrong.

Meghan Daum in the flesh...

She's a woman who can't seem to stay in one place for too long when it comes to houses. She describes the book as an attempt to "discover the relationship between self and place" and having much less to do with a how-to of real estate stats and mortgages.

During the reading I laughed a little during certain sections but I was not sold on her memoir. A lot of it probably has to do with her delivery and not her writing. I know this to be true, having read potions of her short story collection My Misspent Youth. She is witty and funny, sucking you into the story. However at the reading I thought to myself, "is this the same Meghan Daum that had an e-mail romance, explored the evolution of air travel, and the subculture of polyamory?"

I think my issue is that the writer's persona did not seem to match the person. Not that this is anything to fault her with. The persona of the writer should be different from the human being, it's how we protect ourselves. I guess I was surprised by the gap.

The topic of the reading reminded me of our own Megan Fulwiler's essay, A Home of One's Own. In this essay, she explores the adventure that is buying a home as a single woman and learning to become a Ms. fix it. Her writing about this life transition traverses the same topic within a tighter space. This time, I believe the old adage is true, less is more!

My Eulogy for the Library Card Catalog (Part I)

 card catalog: traditionally used to store index cards containing information about the location and other vital information about a book or periodical including title, author, call number, ISBN, etc..

Card catalogs were the primary way of organizing, finding, and keeping track of the contents of a library that were available for patrons to check out.

There was a time when one could not write a research paper without the use of a card catalog.

Card catalogs once filled multiple rooms in university libraries.

It has only been within the past ten years that they have been removed from libraries all together and are now considered entirely obsolete, replaced by the computer which is incidentally, much more likely to breakdown and falter.

Card catalogs come in many sizes but no matter what size, they all seem relatively large to an average human being.

To a bibliophile like myself, they are a beautiful piece of literary history, having held the information of timeless literary works. Some of which, for better or worse, have shaped the literary cannon we know today.

I personally own a card catalog whose original home was in the Yale University Art Library in New Haven. Its original purpose was to hold projector slides.

As you can see, the card catalog had versatile uses in its beginnings beyond that of housing the index card and now that it is being considered "obsolete" by the outside world, there are far more uses for it than ever before.

I have seen card catalogs used as wine storage.

Just as there are different designs in the drawer dimensions of the card catalog, there are different drawer pull styles. My personal preference is called the "elephant nose" however, for better or worse, one of the drawer pulls on my card catalog is called a "stub nose," a little less elegant, yet not lacking in personality.

I have named my card catalog, just as I named my vintage metal clarinet (Waldo-which I made into a lamp). The name of my card catalog is Elihu, named after Elihu Yale who was not the founder of the university, however deemed rich enough to have considerable influence.

Elihu sits proudly in the corner of my living room, an ever-present conversation piece.

There is certainly more to be discovered about the card catalog. I look forward to diving into research.

I would like to know who invented the card catalog and perhaps what people did in libraries before card catalogs.

I am curious as to whether or not there is a small subculture of bibliophiles like myself who find something attractive and alluring about the card catalog, its history, and its future.

Selected Writings of Meghan Daum (Part III)

The following is my reflection on the essay "According to the Women I'm Fairly Pretty" from My Misspent Youth by Meghan Daum.

In this essay, Daum explores the subculture of polyamory as well as the religious connections the Ravenhearts associate with their practice of polyamory. The Ravenhearts belong to the Church of All Worlds. The religion seems to be based partially on polyamory and partially on mythology and gaming, akin to Dungeons and Dragons. Attending conventions revolving around gaming is a regular practice for the Ravenheart family.

The Ravenheart family is accredited with coining the phrase polyamory meaning "many loves." However, it is believed that polyamory has been put into practice long before there was a word to describe it. The Ravenhearts see polyamory as something that "permeates every aspect of our lives." (pg. 110). While Daum was spending time with the Ravenhearts she observed,

"It would seem that to become a Ravenheart you'd also have to meet a need that no one else is meeting. The idea that different people fulfill different needs, sexually and otherwise, is an almost constant refrain in the household...You don't have to be in a poly relationship to understand that people have different needs sexually..." (pg. 117)

This creates a competition of sorts to stay within the polyamorous unit because if you don't fulfill a certain need, you become obsolete. For the majority of Americans who exist outside this subculture, whether they are monogamous or not, sexuality can still be expressed and gratified without the need for polyamory. Daum points out that,

"It's not their polyamory I have a problem with. It's their forced iconoclasm. It's their paraphernalia. it's the fact that they don't seem to sleep with anyone who isn't just like them." (pg. 123)

I agree with Daum's statement about iconoclasm. How many sexual partners a person chooses to have is their business, but when mixed with iconoclasm and mystical religious values, it seems more and more like an occult than a freely chosen lifestyle. The Ravenhearts seemingly practice polyamory to fill certain needs and voids in their life while the mainstream world uses other outlets to fill voids, through not just their sexual partner, but through friends, family, coworkers, therapists, etc..

Selected Writings of Meghan Daum (Part II)

The following is my reflection on the essay "Inside the Tube" from My Misspent Youth by Meghan Daum

Daum approaches this essay in the genre of immersion journalism, entering the world of commercial airline flight attendants. She traces the history of flight attendants of how it was "back in the old days," when all flight attendants were unmarried female nurses of a certain weight, and groomed to look like twins. Back when sex appeal was still a marketing ploy of US Airways. Daum goes on to note that times have changed,

"...because the sex appeal of the flight attendant, like the sex appeal of flying is gone forever." (pg. 73)

Flying once was an altogether luxury experience. However, modern day flight for most of America is more akin to a greyhound bus with wings. The grooming of the fight attendants during training for the job is still very by the book. To do this job, you really have to love the customer service industry as demonstrated by the recent meltdown of a Jet Blue fight attendant covered by the media. It is no surprise that there is a "unofficial passenger shit list compiled on every flight."

You don't have to be an immersion journalist like Daum to know that being a flight attendant is not exactly a walk in the park. One flight attendant expressed to her in an interview, 

"We're doctors, lawyers, travel agents, therapists, waitresses, and cops. No one would demand all of that from a normal person." (pg. 79)

As a result of all the demands that come along with the job description of flight attendant, it is not surprising that they share a camaraderie amongst each other.  In addition to the camaraderie, Daum also notes the presence of a gay subculture. Daum approaches her time spent with the flight attendants in an honest yet humorist manner. Their bond and camaraderie is what helps the flight attendants survive the job and resist the urge to open the emergency hatch and slide down the chute.

Selected Writings of Meghan Daum (Part I)

The following are my reflections on the essay "On the Fringes of the Physical World" from My Misspent Youth by Meghan Daum.
In this essay Daum finds herself unexpectedly immersed in an email relationship with a man she has not met in person. He is a fan of her work and manages through his email correspondence to charm his way into her heart and mind. However, the reality of the situation is that Daum creates the charming character that is the man on the other side of the world wide web. At first she finds her relationship with him to be the kind of relationship she has always wanted,

"Of all the troubling details of this story, the one that bothers me the most is the way I slurped up his attention like some kind of dying animal...but it is also revealed a subtler desire that i didn't fully understand at the time. My need to experience and old-fashioned kind of courtship was stronger than I had ever imagined." (pg. 21)

When she finally meets Pete, her email admirer, reality disappoints her. The mystery is gone from the relationship and he becomes as generic as any other man in New York City.

"...the physical world came barreling in with all the obstreperousness of a major weather system, and I ignored it. As human beings with actual flesh and hand gestures and Gap clothing, Pete and I were utterly incompatible, but I pretended otherwise." (pg. 23)

As she tries to reconcile the reality in her head with the reality of the outside world she comes to realize that in being so wrapped up in her virtual romance, she was neglecting the real people in her life and not automatically forgiving their flaws as she had done with Pete.

"I'd never forgiven their spasms and their speeches, never tied up my phone for hours in order to talk to them. I'd never bestowed such senseless tenderness on anyone." (pg. 24)

In the end, Daum gaines a stronger appreciation for the physical world and her relationships with the people in that world. Though this essay was my favorite out of the three by Daum, I can't help but wonder how she fell into flattery with Pete and did not find him creepy and ignore him after the second email message because that is what I would have done.

Notes on: “Flying Jewels” and lost diagramming skills

 Brian Doyle, author of Joyas Voladoras begins his essay with the wonders of the heart of varying species. His descriptive imagery is packed with information. Doyle's observations are clinically  biological yet simultaneously artful and poetic. The essay undergoes a transition to matters of the human heart where the impossibility of ideal love is realized. The adult speaker is aware that it is impossible to live life without undergoing the hardships of a metaphorical broken heart.

 The abstractions of love are part of human nature. When Doyle describes the animals, they have amazing hearts and strong bodies. Though they are capable of affection in some form for the survival of the species, they are free from the human concept of love and aspiration towards such an ideal. “No living being is without interior liquid motion. We all churn inside. So much is held in our heart in a lifetime. So much is held in our heart in a day, an hour, a moment.”(pg. 169).

      ***

             In the essay Sister Bernadette’s  Barking Dog, Kitty Burns Florey chronicles her experiences in school learning to diagram sentences. She uses diagrams to illustrate her point both comically and literally. By recalling a piece of her English education before she began writing professionally the author creates a platform that most can remember from their own past.

             Such a way of teaching sentence structure may be effective to some, but there must be other ways.  The  author herself admits the flaws of the diagram method.

“Diagramming may have taught us to write correctly—and maybe even think logically—but I don’t think anyone would claim that it taught us to write well. And besides, any writer knows that the best way to learn to write good sentences is not to diagram them but to read them.” (pg.176).

             I personally disliked diagramming sentences. I don’t remember understanding nor succeeding at the task. I took to this lesson plan like I took to European geography. I could not, despite great efforts, identify France. Unlike Kitty I did not see the diagramming of sentences as “a picture of language.” (pg.172).  My ineptitude at diagramming is even more ironic because I am an  English major. Maybe it was my exceptional vocabulary that  saved me from failure?



 I found someone on youtube  who is still passionate about diagramming sentences!

Reflections on "This Old House" by David Sedaris

In "This Old House" by David Sedaris, the author "longed for a home where history was respected" (pg. 255). At first he felt comfortable in the boarding house. He felt comfort in the fact that his landlady shared his taste for eccentric antiques. Upon recalling the first winter he lived in the house, he wrote, "my life felt like a beautiful dream" (pg. 258). However, he was not able to hold on to this dream of trying to live in a time long past. "I hoped that our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis." (pg. 258). As Ava and Chaz are introduced, Rosemary and David are forced to reevaluate reality and stop living in times past.

As more insight is gathered about Chaz and Ava, it is clear that their living in the house has caused a role reversal for Rosemary and David. With the introduction of the characters who have mentally broken away from reality, those who have chosen an alternate reality must face their situations. Rosemary gives up her vintage clothes and her home so that she can take care of her mother and daughter. David is forced to see beyond Chaz's good looks and begins to examine where he is in life. "Every gouge and smudge jumped violently into focus. More depressing still was the thought that I belonged here, that I fit in." (pg. 262). David eventually came to realize that he needed to move on because he realizes that before long, he wouldn't fit in there.

This essay style presents a different voice than that of previous works of David Sedaris that I have read. It has moments of humor, however the tone of the essay seems quite mixed, combined with moments of very serious reality. I am more familiar with Sedaris in his strictly humorous tones like the one in his book entitled "Dress Your Family in Denim and Overalls." In this essay, his humor is more subtle and reserved and the poignant moments seem to stick out more. Being aware of David Sedaris' work before reading this piece seemed to set me up for minor disappointment because of the mixed tone and subtle humor. Yet, if I had not been familiar with Sedaris' work previously and had such expectations, I would have found this essay to be an excellent piece of work.

Inspired Writing: Chapter 5, Exercise 9

Characters as traits

Mr. F, my clarinet teacher

Plays every woodwind instrument
Prefers oboe
Finds clarinet inferior to the oboe
Wears black frame glasses, and tuxedo with black bow tie when performing (I suspect this is his oboe persona)
I find him hard to please
Serious about his career as a musician, seems to prefer that over teaching
Laughs easily
Wears blue button up shirts and Argyle socks

My clarinet teacher Mr. F plays every instrument in the woodwind family. His true passion though is oboe.
He told me this during my first lesson with him, how he thought the clarinet was inferior to the oboe. He is a musician who takes his career very seriously. During two years of lessons with him, he never wore glasses, but when he performed, he wore thick black rimmed glasses, often accompanied by a tuxedo and black bow tie. The glasses held his persona as Nat the oboe player.

Reflections on Rich Cohen's "Becoming Adolf"

In the prologue of "The Best American Essays," Susan Orlean writes about the essay's subjectivity. She refers to the essay as an exploration, "What mattered was that they conveyed the writer's journey..." (pg. 24). In rich Cohen's essay Becoming Adlof, the author takes the reader along with him as he attempts to reclaim the Toothbrush mustache. Cohen explains his reasoning behind wanting to grow that particular mustache, "I wanted to defuse it. I wanted to own it. I wanted to reclaim it for America and for the Jews." (pg. 69).

Cohen explores the possibility of disarming such infamous facial hair. "A dozen Hitlers passed through my mind: Hitler in a sport coat; Hitler in a lab coat. Hitler in a Speedo; Hitler in a Camaro. I shook myself and said, 'Get it together, Hitler--you're losing your mind!'" (pg. 75). Cohen confronts the history of the Toothbrush mustache with a great deal of humor. His Jewish background also lends another layer to the essay acting as partial motivation for his week long experiment. He notes that the mustache has been worn by both silent film comedians and facilitators of genocide. Cohen remarks on his experiences walking through the streets of New York City with his social experiment between his nose and upper lip, "So people do with the little Hitlers what people always do with lunatics in New York, the harmless or dangerous--they ignore, they avert, they move away." (pg. 75). Cohen concludes that the Toothbrush mustache can not be forgiven of its infamous past. "When you're wearing the Toothbrush mustache, you are waring the worst story in the world right under your nose." (pg. 76).

Although Cohen's essay is humorous, connecting something as inconsequential as facial hair with a tragic time in history, to me it is missing something. Perhaps it is unfair to compare Cohen's essay to that of his colleagues published in the same volume, however, as a reader, I cannot help myself from doing so. In my personal opinion, it lacks a certain depth or richness in comparison to the other essays we have read so far. I approached this essay with the expectation of something satisfyingly insightful. Instead, it was almost like being really thirsty and opening a soda, only to find that it's flat. Unfortunately, despite its merits as discussed above, I find this story to ultimately be flat.

Reflections on "Book Marks"

     After our class discussion, I reread Rebecca McClanahan’s essay “Book Marks.” When I first read the essay I knew there was more to be uncovered. The same could be true after reading it twice. However, after our class discussion I have really come to see the possibility that the writer and the woman she describes are in fact the same person. McClanahan creates herself as a character within her own story. She plays a double role as the narrator and the subject. She creates a character of a woman who is the patron at the same library and the notes in the margin to herself that she left behind to tell her own story. The author distances herself and creates a character who all these things might happen to. It is as if in this essay she is writing a cautionary tale to herself, to not go back and make all the mistakes that hindsight has shed light on. “I Tell myself I wouldn’t have stayed in that kind of situation…( how do we live with the knowledge of our past selves?)” (pg.102).  It is almost as if the writer is giving advice to her former self, as if to say,  "If I knew then what I know now."
     The essay explores her relationships with people as well as books. Often the two overlap. Her husband is abusive and unfaithful. The books are abused and tell the stories of their previous readers. She contemplates the limits of harming of books as she contemplates whether she really wants to die. Her husband ultimately let her down in every conceivable way. She becomes her own disappointment after her suicide attempts, however she is ultimately able to find her way back to her own identity. “I fall into books the way I fall into lust—fully, hungrily. Often the book disappoints, or I disappoint” (pg.98). consistently throughout the essay McClanahan uses books and the markings left in them as a metaphor for her relationships and her own journey through life. She experiences both wear and abuse as the books do, but in the end she has her own story that she decides to tell.

Inspired Writing-Week Four

My "Left-Brain Workout"

1. Learning musical instruments
2. Not being able to read music
3. Continuing to persist at something I'm not good at
4. Dealing with my limitations as someone with cerebral palsey
5. Struggling with perfectionism
6. Setting lofty goals for myself
7. Pushing the limits

On Setting Lofty Goals

Setting lofty goals is a symptom of perfectionism. Part of being a perfectionist is setting yourself up oftentimes for failure, something which while part of life, is considered a non-option for most perfectionists since failure flies in the face of perfectionsim and all that it stands for.  When I set a goal, I often don't have the proper timeframe to achieve those goals. Every summer I make a list for myself of the things I want to acomplish or the books I want to read and I usually complete only half the list as well as only half of the books read. Setting lofty goals motivates me and propells me forward in life but it has the downside of having a large probability for error without margin for any, causing both frustration and anxiety. Combining lofty goals with a tendency for perfectionism creates a difficult situation because in the process of completing such goals, its impossible not to make mistakes or have some degree of failure because that's what life is about; its far from perfect.

Experimenting with scene

A scene regarding my inability to read music:

Sitting in a small, cramped practice room I glance at myself in the mirror. I can hear the person in the neighboring room practicing in an attempt to master a classical piano piece I struggle to identify. A Boston piano stands on the wall opposite the mirror, with its marred black matte finish and the bottom of the B on the Boston logo chipped off, the surface is worn after only one year in service. My instructor Mr. F. is sitting on the piano bench across from me. His flash cards slowly emerge from his brown leather briefcase, each containing one musical note sitting in a different place on the staff previously created with a felt tip sharpie pen in black ink. I begin to identify the notes. Struggling I say, “BDECA” in succession. I start over again but falter. My face is turning red. The room is beginning to feel even smaller and the temperature seems to be climbing. I can’t remember. “I think its C,” I say timidly.

A scene expounding upon instrument description:

I crack open the case. Gingerly, I place the violin on my blush pink bedspread. The instant I open the case, a cigar-box-like smell wafts through the air, kind of musty and spicy at the same time. Undeterred by any imperfections on the violin or any other contents of the case, I stroke the black synthetic material of the interior with my fingers. It feels like a fleece blanket when it’s new. I inspect the violin; the wood grain, the F holes, the scroll, the stain, the shape of the body in all its refined elegance. I do not notice the dings from prior users. I continue emptying the case, examining the rosin, a block of hardened tree sap enclosed on three sides with wood. I place the rosin back in its individual compartment and return to the bow. I tighten the bow, twisting the metal knob at its base. Before I know it, I’ve gone too far. One of the horsehairs pops off, springing forward as if by its own will, for freedom.

A scene describing my only concert:

            A crowd of parents are gathered in the gymnasium, sitting on rickety metal folding chairs. I hear the crowd from behind the curtain as I sit under the lights and begin to sweat. My hands are clammy, gripping the cool metal of the slide; I start to shake with the slightest of tremors. The hum of the crowd is growing louder, occasionally broken by an exuberant laugh or crying child. The music teacher has everyone assembled on the risers. I am sitting on a chair, firmly connected to the stage. The teacher smiles at us in reassurance, then exits stage left to introduce us. The blue velvet curtains are drawn back with sudden force. On cue, we start to play.

Reflections on "Silent Dancing" by Judith Ortiz Coffer

In Silent Dancing by Judith Ortiz Coffer, she recalls a silent home movie lasting only five minutes documenting a New Year's Eve party.  She remembers the movie as, "a great visual aid to my memory of  life at that time." The movie is in color, "the only complete scene in color I can recall from those years." (pg. 58). The fact that the movie is silent is significant for many reasons. In absence of noise, there is color in the movie, where in daily life there is constant noise, but the only predominant color is gray. The author recalls, "My memories of life in Patterson during those first few years are all in shades of gray. Maybe I was too young to absorb vivid colors...but that single color washes over the whole period." (pg. 58).

Throughout the essay her family is caught up in the juxtaposition with both the desire to assimilate yet hold onto their Cuban heritage and culture.  The "bright colors" of the upholstered furniture in the movie reflect the optimism of life in America despite the hardships of assimilation. The color and silence aspects of the movie both serve as a veil for reality to hide behind. The five-minute clip of celebration is only momentary in comparison to the harsh reality of daily life. When Judith questions her mother as to why the women are wearing red dresses in the film, her mother dismisses her question and Judith notes, "She doesn't have my obsession for assigning symbolism to everything." (pg. 59). Judith recalls one New Year's Eve that the family went to get their portrait taken at Sears. This family photo in a way represents their Americanization and achievement of the "American Dream" however difficult such a cliched dream is in reality.

Judith recalls the awkwardness of the silent dancing in the home movie. "Since there is no justification for the absurd movements that music provides some of us, people appear frantic, their faces embarrassingly intense. It's as if you were watching sex." (pg. 64). Shortly after this recollection, the voice of the narrator shifts from that of the author to that of her aunt, revealing some ugly truths to her about her cousin's abortion. "You say your mother pick up your doll from the couch and say; 'it was as big as this doll when they flushed it down the toilet,' that image has bothered you for years hasn't it?" (pg.65). The insides of the aunt reveal ugly things hiding beneath the surface of the brightly colored home movie.

The essay concludes with the author in a dreamlike state. Reflecting on her father's uncle, a dying alcoholic, "I realize that in his features I can see my whole family...I do not want to look into those eyes ringed in purple." (pg. 66). She envisions her own image behind her great uncle's face and does not wish to confront such a connection. Essentially, everyone in the home movie is the "New Year's fool" (pg. 63) because for the brief space of time during that New Year's party they allow themselves to be ignorant of reality and its lack of beauty.

Reflections on "Hair" by Marcia Aldrich and "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid

     After reading Marcia Aldrich's essay "Hair" I found myself disappointed as I remembered the poem"Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. Both pieces run parallel in terms of theme; what it means to grow up and become a woman.The essay seemed generic in comparison to the poem by Jamaica Kincaid.

     The essay "Hair" is a reflection by the author of the importance that hair held to her mother and the subsequent differing reactions of her two sisters. The importance of hair to Aldrich's mother comes from a perception, real or imagined, that "the only change she could effect was a change in her hair." In the essay there seems to be an intrepidation about change especially major life events such as marriage or having a child.  The hairstylist Julie references these events as a "dangerous time" for women. To her mother, getting her hair done represented her status as a married woman, "After the wedding, women's hairstyles bore the stamp of property..." It is from her hairstyle that Aldrich's mother draws her self worth and sense of identity; "She believed that the damage done to her hair was tangible proof that she had been somewhere, like stickers on her suitcases."

     Aldrich's oldest sister decided not to change her hair much at all.  Being secure with her hair reveals that she is also secure with herself and her identity. While Aldrich's other sister is more like her mother, "She's forced to keep her hair short because chemicals do tend to destroy. My mother admires my sister's determination to transform herself, and never more than in my sister's latest assault upon middle age." Aldrich "survived hair bondage" as a child like her sisters did, but came into her own as an adult. She does this metaphorically at the end of the essay through Rhonda.  She comes to the realization that "hair is vital, sustains mistakes, can be born again." Throughout the essay, hair became a metaphor for identity which can similarly be reinvented and sustained.

     The poem "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid is written as if it were a lecture from mother to daughter.  It is a list of rules on how to become a good, respectable domestic woman. In my opinion, this poem is much more condensed and powerful than Aldrich's essay as they confront similar subjects about learning what it means to be a woman and how to handle changes and responsibilities in life.  In the poem, the mother instructs her daughter on everything from how to do laundry to home remedies for abortions.  By the end of the poem, at least in the subtext, the mother recognizes that her daughter will grow up to be a strong, respectable woman.

A study in opening lines

I perused my personal collection of books to find a few lines that literally open the book or begin a chapter.

"Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself." from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. For Virginia, this is a fairly short sentence, free from verbosity. Perhaps it was her form of the "grabber" statement because why would the likes of Mrs. Dalloway, a party socialite buy the flowers herself?

"Woods are not like other spaces." from A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson. This line brings the reader into the world of the writer, establishes a setting and sets up with a very simple observation, an ensuing comedy.

"Even now, it's always the same question: Why don't you act more like a girl?" from The Last Time I Wore a Dress by Daphne Scholinski. This line opens with a question that the character is being confronted with which denotes conflict has presented itself on more than one occasion.

"I can not begin to write this book." from Waist-High in the World by Nancy Mairs. This is perhaps the most literal first line I have ever come across. It is not a line that was written in the middle or at the end, and then just placed at the beginning. It is evidence of quintessential writers block.

"There is only one answer to the question: Would you like to see a three a.m. performance of amateur Portuguese circus clowns?"from How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley. I love the opening line to this short story because I can't help but being drawn in by it because it is so bizarre and unexpected. It leaves the reader wanting to know what context would exist in order for that question to be asked.

"All my life I have acted wrongly, very wrongly." from How to be Inappropriate by Daniel Nester. This line is self deprecating. Admitting fault and flaw which is inviting to readers because they too, as human beings possess flaws.

"As most New Yorkers have done, I have given serious and generous thought to the state of my apartment should I get killed during the day." from I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley. This opening line is funny and serious at the same time. Because of this juxtaposition, it makes the reader want to read on.

"First, what I need you to do is give me permission to drive you completely insane by using the word 'need' in places where another word, like 'want' or 'order,' would be more 'honest.'" from the essay "Needs" by George W. S. Trow. It is interesting to open a piece, asking someone permission to drive them crazy because not only does it sound like a question a child would ask, most normal people would answer, "of course you don't have permission!"

"When Miss Emily Grierson died, our whole town went to her funeral: the men through a sort of respectful affection for a fallen monument, the women mostly out of curiosity to see the inside of her house..." from "A Rose for Emily" by William Faulkner. This is the opening line to one of my favorite short stories as a teenager. It depicts how people react around the town oddity even after they have died.

"I didn't tell anyone that I was going to Santa Fe to kill myself" from Manic by Terri Cheney. This is an interesting opening line mainly for its dramatic qualities. Also if the suicidal person is still alive, they are still available to tell their story.

"'The soul has no assignments,' Randall Jarrell says. 'It wastes its time.'" from the essay "Show Don't Tell," author unknown. The strength of this opening line comes from it's thought provoking quality. We often think of life as a list of things to do or accomplish and this statement contradicts that notion and challenges it.

"There is a typo on the hospital menu this morning." from the essay "Going" by Amy Hempel.  This observation is a simple but curious one. It opens up questions of why the person speaking is in the hospital, whether they are visiting someone or a patient, and so forth.

It appears that a pattern is evolving here. The opening lines can catch the attention of reader for many reasons: they can be bold, or outlandish, or curious, questioning or quite simple. No matter how it is done, if it's done well, it successfully draws the reader in to turn the page.

Personal Essay Free Write

My roles:
Sister
Student
Daughter
Friend
Tenant
Volunteer
Identity Club Member
Cat Owner
Writer

I feel I could write more about the roles that I play as: student, cat owner, volunteer. My preferences may change as inspiration strikes.

My Territories:
The College of Saint Rose
My apartment
Writing
Reading for pleasure
Volunteering at St. Ann's Institute for girls
Learning musical instruments: clarinet, piano, flute
Collecting greeting cards
Writing letters the old-fashioned way

My life is an amateur musician - I can't even read music but I love it. I have taken clarinet and piano lessons. I am more skilled at the clarinet, but that's not saying much. I enjoy playing music. It mostly relaxes me but sometimes it frustrates me because I am a perfectionist.  That's why I like to emphasize the fun and not the skill part of it. I have difficulty with fine motor skills so that limits my ability and selection of instruments.  I would love to play a string instrument, however my attempts have failed outright. I have yet to take a flute lesson but plan to. I can get one good note out of it, I just don't know the name. I would hope to stop at three instruments and try to hone some craft out of it.  But who knows, I  might just get curious again...I am a serial amateur musician.

Things that changed the way I see the world:
Living with cerebral palsy has a big impact on how I see the world.
My cousin Brendan died June 20, 2009. He was 25, only four years older than me. He was the smartest person I've ever met. His death made me face the possibility of my own premature death. After his death, I promised myself I'd go skydiving.

Long-term conflicts or worries:
Long-term internal conflict, i.e. low self-esteem and chronic depression. I always worry that I won't be up to par or won't reach my goals in life.

Something that is troubling me right now:
I'm worried I'll get into another car accident.
I want to get my grad school applications in on time and well done.
I want to maintain my GPA of 3.6.
I want to not be so riddled with anxiety that I don't enjoy my senior year.
I want my dad to get surgery to correct the extra electrical connection in his heart know as Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome.
I'm worried that I won't overcome my deficiencies enough to be independent and successful in grad school and life in general.
I'm worried that I will never be confident enough to enjoy my accomplishments.

Reflections on the art of the essay

Having read the reflections of writers on what an essay is, isn't, should, or could be in the prologue of The Best American Essays edited by Robert Atwan, I feel that people should be less confused by the genre of the essay. It is a perception of some that fiction and poetry are more straight forward while the essay can go any direction and push the envelope as far as it will go. It is also worth noting the observation that there is no one type of essay that reigns over the others and that the style of an essay is often a reflection of the author's style. Some essayists are reluctant to admit that the essay is their primary genre and instead move toward fiction, poetry, or academic writing because it seemingly needs less explanation than an essay. I love the potential timelessness of an essay and even if an essay can't be truly timeless, it will last much longer than a journalistic article. The essay is less bound by facts and allows for creativity for twists and turns that seemingly limitless potential. The essay is not merely a product but a personal journey taken by both the writer and the reader. It allows one to ask numerous questions without demanding immediate answers. It allows for introspection and exploration of ourselves and the surrounding world. It is not black and white, nor simple, it is wide-ranging and colorful; a complete spectrum. I used to think that I would one day call myself a poet, but as my academic pursuits of writing and literature continue, I feel most at home within the art of the essay, comfortable enough to shift definitions as necessary. It is a genre in which I believe I can refine my novice voice and strengthen it. Nor am I afraid to be loud.