Inspired Writing - Personal Experience, Exposition, Investigation

Personal Experience:

A moment in childhood

In the Fall of 1999 at the age of 12, I remember talking to my dad about the upcoming visit of aunt Linda and her partner Karen. I always referred to Karen as "adopted aunt Karen." I remember my dad saying that the relationship between Linda and Karen was just not right. When I asked him why, he said "because it's not the way God intended." This conversation has stayed with me to this day. I understood the idea of pairing for the purposes of procreation, but what about the heterosexual couples who choose not to have children? Does that not make their union wrong also?

Easter weekend 2010

I had considered waiting. Not telling him. Letting circumstances that hod not yet come to bear do the talking for me. Like once I had a girlfriend. This would force my father's knowledge of my sexuality. However, I could not wait for that day some point in the future. It felt all too secretive. I have to confess with no tangible evidence. My dad was standing at the grill in the backyard. I took a deep breath and walked out onto the deck to talk to him. I sat on the steps. Occupied with the hamburgers on the grill, his back was towards me. "Dad," I said, "I have something to tell you. I'm gay." After only a moment's pause he said, "okay" and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, or had questions and he said no. My mother and sister had for a long time been aware. I hoped that telling my father would free me from feeling stifled in my own home. His reaction wasn't bad, yet it wasn't the reaction I had oped for either. I received no sentiment to suggest he loved me as I am, no matter what, Yet that is in fact what I wanted to hear. His reaction was much more matter of fact. To me, it almost felt like a non-reaction. He acted as if I had told him I wanted cheese on my hamburger. My family ate dinner that night in relative silence. I did not breathe a sigh of relief I was hoping for.

Exposition

Consider internalized homophobia. It is of course counter intuitive to self acceptance. It is due in part to a desire to fit in and be accepted by a predominately heterosexual society. I would like to say that I have always been confident in each aspect of my identity but awareness does not equal confidence and to be insecure is to be human. For me, there was a certain amount of self-denial that overrode any hint of self-awareness peeking through. I have always felt that in every group to which I belong I exist on the fringes. Having a disability meant overcoming taboos and preconceived notions there were times when I did not want to face my sexuality because I did not want to face the idea of being part of another minority because that would mean having to face another set of preconceived notion and taboos.

Investigation

Brainstorm terms

Hetero normative
Queer theory
Internal homophobia
LGBTQ
Camp and kitch
Human Rights Campaign