Selected Writings of Meghan Daum (Part III)

The following is my reflection on the essay "According to the Women I'm Fairly Pretty" from My Misspent Youth by Meghan Daum.

In this essay, Daum explores the subculture of polyamory as well as the religious connections the Ravenhearts associate with their practice of polyamory. The Ravenhearts belong to the Church of All Worlds. The religion seems to be based partially on polyamory and partially on mythology and gaming, akin to Dungeons and Dragons. Attending conventions revolving around gaming is a regular practice for the Ravenheart family.

The Ravenheart family is accredited with coining the phrase polyamory meaning "many loves." However, it is believed that polyamory has been put into practice long before there was a word to describe it. The Ravenhearts see polyamory as something that "permeates every aspect of our lives." (pg. 110). While Daum was spending time with the Ravenhearts she observed,

"It would seem that to become a Ravenheart you'd also have to meet a need that no one else is meeting. The idea that different people fulfill different needs, sexually and otherwise, is an almost constant refrain in the household...You don't have to be in a poly relationship to understand that people have different needs sexually..." (pg. 117)

This creates a competition of sorts to stay within the polyamorous unit because if you don't fulfill a certain need, you become obsolete. For the majority of Americans who exist outside this subculture, whether they are monogamous or not, sexuality can still be expressed and gratified without the need for polyamory. Daum points out that,

"It's not their polyamory I have a problem with. It's their forced iconoclasm. It's their paraphernalia. it's the fact that they don't seem to sleep with anyone who isn't just like them." (pg. 123)

I agree with Daum's statement about iconoclasm. How many sexual partners a person chooses to have is their business, but when mixed with iconoclasm and mystical religious values, it seems more and more like an occult than a freely chosen lifestyle. The Ravenhearts seemingly practice polyamory to fill certain needs and voids in their life while the mainstream world uses other outlets to fill voids, through not just their sexual partner, but through friends, family, coworkers, therapists, etc..